This is the second article in a series on the different ego states from which we relate to others as taught in the Rebuilding Divorce Recovery Seminar. Not only does this kind of learning help us to recover from divorce and participate in future relationships more effectively, it can also serve as a preventative measure for good relationships. As humans we have a whole team of parts, voices, possible ways of being available to us. Awareness of those possibilities is key to choosing appropriate behavior for a given situation.
Who's in charge?
We've been talking about adult, parent and child parts and how ultimately the greatest benefit comes from relating to others from the adult. (See the January issue.) The adult has the ability to wisely orchestrate the other voices as it best suits a given situation. Remember the question is always: "What is appropriate now?" Sometimes parent behavior is appropriate. Sometimes child behavior is appropriate. How do we know which is appropriate when? It is the adult that best determines the answer to that question.
This month we look at our Parent-state. Where does it come from? Can we trust it? Is it merely a child-voice in disguise? When is it appropriate behavior and when is it not?
Positive functions and behaviors of the parent-voice
There are two main functions of an appropriate parent-state:
Our inner-parent helps us organize our world by rules and information. Knowing the rules saves us time and emotional energy in choosing behavior. The parent knows what to do. An authentic parent is solid, reliable and can be depended upon. The other function of the parent state is to help us parent our own children. If we like the way our parents raised us we will most likely duplicate their parenting style. If we don't think they did it right we must take on new parenting techniques, which can be challenging but worth the effort.
There are two basic behaviors involved in the parent ego state. One is useful, one is not:
The nurturing parent:
Is very comforting to the people around them Does things unselfishly for others Gives of themselves freely Gives praise, hugs and compliments to those around them Is altruistic and very much concerned with the needs of others
The critical parent:
Is judgmental and moralistic Has high expectations of self and others Makes us feel guilty when we do things contrary to the adult ego state Can be perfectionistic
Most of us have been on the receiving end of a critical parent-type at one time or other in our lives. Be it an actual parent, a spouse, a coach, a baby sitter, or other authority figure. Nurturing and criticism are both powerful behaviors that can affect us at deep levels. Ask a young child if they like their teacher and they will usually give one of two answers: The teacher is either nice, or mean. We have that choice in relating to others as well.
How these strategies affect adult love
We can bring both the nurturing and the critical parent voices to our adult romantic relationships with mixed results.
Nurturing one another after a hard day out in the world at large can be very healing to a relationship. Doing things for a partner that they should be doing for themselves is damaging for both. It creates dependence, irresponsibility and promotes addiction. We develop over-nurturing or caretaking behavior when we believe we must take care of our caregivers to get what we need as little people. "If I am nice, they will love me." Criticism rarely serves a relationship, although to critique what is working or not working can be useful. Criticism demeans the person. Critiquing takes a removed look at behavior without blame. Critical behavior comes by trying to please the unpleasable or perfectionistic parent. "If I am perfect, they will love me."
What is appropriate now?
As with all behaviors, our parenting behaviors come to us by example. Also, as with all behaviors, if we become aware of the power and effect of each behavior we can CHOOSE the behavior that is most useful. To nurture your partner as a compassionate adult is very different than doing things for your partner to get love. To be an adult and yet accept nurturing after a crappy day is very different than needing to be nurtured to feel ok about yourself.
Remember that it is the adult that has the ability to wisely orchestrate the other voices. The question is always: "What is appropriate now?" Sometimes parent behavior (doing the nurturing) is appropriate. Sometimes child behavior (receiving nurturing) is appropriate. And it is always the adult that best determines which is appropriate now. Without conscious choice our default pattern will kick in. That will nearly always be the child voice - which we will learn about next month.
From the Bookshelf - As a Man Thinketh
by James Allen
Thought precedes action. I realize that it is while I am in the transitory place of thought I am at choice. Thinking makes it so.
'As a Man Thinketh' is a tiny little book that addresses the power of thought. From the book:
"Man is buffeted by circumstances so long as he believes himself to be the creature of outside conditions, but when he realizes that he is a creative power, and that he may command the hidden soil and seeds of his being out of which circumstances grow, he then becomes the rightful master of himself."
If we can examine our thoughts we can direct them for our own use, rather than let them drag us hither and yon.
"Men imagine that thought can be kept secret, but it cannot; it rapidly crystallizes into habit, and habit solidifies into circumstance."
This is a thought-provoking and somewhat confrontive little book, that requires much chewing.
Life Designers
Justin Starr Hirshfield - Chef on Wheels
Justin Starr Hirshfield is known locally as the Chef on Wheels. Justin was born a chef. By the age of two he had mastered scrambled eggs, at 6 his specialty was French Toast. He played the role of Chef in his Middle School play "Stone Soup." Later he was head chef at Laudisio, a four-star restaurant in Boulder after studying with the Masters in Italy. He worked 60 to 80 hours a week which never seemed like work to Justin.
In March of 2001 Justin broke his back in a motorcycle accident and is now confined to a wheelchair - thus the Chef on Wheels. Today he can be seen zipping around Niwot Market as he brings his exceptional culinary abilities to locals there by managing the Deli, cooking exquisite Friday Night 4 course dinners served on the patio, and teaching specialty cooking classes.
Says Justin, "You've got to make a conscious choice not to be content with what you've got now. The only limitations are the ones you put on yourself. I've always approached life as a 'learn as I go.' It's a limited amount of time we're gonna have on earth. The learning experience should never end."
Friday Night dinners will come back to Niwot Market when it's warm enough to open the patio. I highly encourage you to attend at least one. It's the best kept secret around. And while you're there, look for Justin zipping around - a born chef, now on wheels.
One Thing I Want You To Know About Divorce...
By Kristine Nelson
Ignore your rights and they'll go away, or, in my case, Ignore your being and you'll go away.
Earlier this week, I saw a bumper sticker that read, "Ignore your rights and they'll go away". It reminded me of what I have recently gone through with my now ex-boyfriend. I engulfed myself in the relationship, in the idea of forever, in the idea that we can work anything out as long as there is love. I didn't want to give up my love for him, the excitement of a dog, cat, two kids and a white picket fence. I didn't' want to give up on him and certainly didn't want him to give up on himself. I wanted to make sure he knew how much I cared for him, so I read books for him, cooked for him - and even did his laundry for him (even though I told him when we first started dating that he shouldn't count on me doing that).
So maybe that's when I lost myself, the first time I did his laundry. I lost my silly carefree self, always concerned if he was happy or not. I lost my sense of adventure and went to Wal-Mart with his family Saturday morning (which was fun and an adventure but not the same) rather than heading to the hills to enjoy God's Glory. I lost my confidence in doing things well including my work, my cooking, my baking and even my running! I've never won any running races, but I enjoyed doing it and could, with practice, run a really long time.
Despite all of this, he is not all at fault. There were two of us in this relationship. I let him stifle my being and in the end, he saw that before I did. I still struggle with why he left and am sometimes grateful that he had the strength to walk away when he saw that not only did I lose my being, but maybe he did too. I mourn the loss of our relationship and the loss of a good friendship gone badly. I am also grateful, albeit begrudgingly, that his actions taught me something...Not to ignore my being, and I won't go away.
Now I'm on the road to recovery and am really learning how to be myself and claim it for my own, not only in a committed relationship, but in all of my relationships with friends and family.
